When your hot buttons are pushed, it triggers an initial emotional reaction which is fueled by your fears and influenced by your perceptual style: Audio, Feeler, Visual and Wholistic.
For instance, the first emotion that Audios feel is anger when they think someone is trying to control them. Maintaining personal control is of utmost importance to them.
For Feelers, their initial reaction is indignation because they feel unappreciated for all they've done for you. Not being taken for granted and your showing that you appreciate their thoughtfulness are of utmost importance to them.
The first emotion Wholistics feel is resentment when someone keeps them from "getting started." Being able to jump-start what needs to be done now is of utmost importance to them.
For each of the perceptual styles, there are four major fears that stimulate the reactive emotion. The initial reaction Visuals feel is frustration. This article is devoted to the fears that stimulate Visuals' reactions.
Fear: Visuals are afraid of losing value in the eyes of others. They see what they do as who they are. Therefore if what they do isn't "perfect," then something must be wrong with them.
Reaction stimulated by the fear: They can be self-critical and find it difficult to believe you when you say something they did is good/fine/great.
Fear: Visuals are afraid of not being able to live up to one's expectations or standards. Often, insufficient time or deadlines will not allow them to complete something at the standard of excellence they set for the project or as a goal for themselves.
Reaction stimulated by the fear: If they feel they are being forced to lower their standards, they will find an excuse to push back a deadline. Or they will agonize over the fact that their name is on the project that isn't at the level of excellence they wanted.
Fear: Visuals are afraid of running out of time. Visuals often work under pressure because they spend so much time trying to get everything perfect that they end up working "all-nighters" to get the project done on time. They are accustomed to running out of time.
Reaction stimulated by the fear: Visuals have visions of what they want to do with their lives that can become magnificent obsessions. With unreachable goals or standards, they may put off even getting started on something, so eventually time runs out.
Fear: Visuals are afraid of the unknown. They want to be able to visualize what the project, plans, or future will look like. To plunge into the unknown is scary.
Reaction stimulated by the fear: They resist change or even updating. They don't want to risk giving up what currently works unless they can sense/see a desirable outcome.
Charles Finn shows us in his poem, Please Hear What I'm Not Saying, that we all wear masks to hide our fears. (His poem is printed with permission in Stop When You See Red.) When Visuals react, they put on a mask of silence and retreat into their caves because they're discouraged. It's often difficult to reach them because of their sense of worthlessness from not being able to meet their own high standards or others' expectations. The mask covers their wounded ego and disappointment in themselves.
How can you help Visuals remove their masks? When they retreat, give them the space they need but continue to love and accept them even when they are giving you the silent treatment. This can be difficult if you don't know what's bothering them or you feel like they are blaming you for their being in a snit. If you react defensively because you feel you don't deserve to be treated this way, you may push them even deeper into their cave.
Sometimes a hug and telling them you love them is all it takes to get them to emerge into their usual upbeat selves because you gently broke down the wall. When you accept them as they are, they will have the courage to accept themselves as "less than perfect" as well.
When others believe in you, it's easier to believe in yourself. |
